Monday, 28 December 2009
The secret of being isolated
The contradiction between being extremely sociable from the outside and extremely isolated from the inside
The unbearable fact of being unpredictable
Born on a dark night...The Ragabash is the new moon
New mooners live their lives astonished by the light they missed on a full moon night
The new moon phase is the weakest of the phases yet the most mysterious in action..u can never be sure that what a new mooner says is the same as what he/she feels inside.
They are capable of keeping their distance
Attracting people in their shadows
Guiding and Misguiding
A new moon is much more fearsome than a full one...It is scary to think that the whole block of rocks exists in the dark but ur eyes still can't catch a glimpse of it
To be there and not there at the same time!
To engrave what u can't show...to hide what u can't merely reflect!
I lived my life with phases...eclipsing and shining...or u can say reflecting emotions...depends on the situation!
Happy moments and clenching stomach feelings rarely show up...It has all been a mere reflection of what the moment brings u :)
I always cared more for what I hide than what I show and I must admit I still do care more for what people do not know!
My sun was in Capricorn...a lame goat
ambitious..always reaching high..trudging mountains
My Moon was in Sagittarius...the archer
Well, apparently, my moon is much stronger than my sun ...It is said that u work ur way towards ur sun qualities but u r already born with ur moon ones
The archer always hunts the goat
My archer is versatile, adaptable, confident and optimistic
They say HOPEFUL! (nice!)
Humorous and knowledge seeker...above all, adventurous!!
Hell! yeah a new moon is always a knowledge seeker...imagine how many discoveries u may meet on the road to darkness!...If u do not fear the dark, surely u can out live ur adventure!
I was never a light lover...Candles hold a wide place in my life...soft lights understands my mood swings rather than neon lights!
New moon resembles the beginning of a cycle
A cycle that will develop step by step till it shines with the reflection of what it has learned through out the years
New mooners are born weak and mysterious in a dark night and they die when they've completed their cycle.
New mooners fight their way through the darkness till they wax their crescent with ambition and grace. They reach their first quarter with the chill of youthfulness glittering in their eyes. Their over confidence assures their steps towards becoming a waxing gibbous. The Ragabash is now an Ahroun. A full moon that finally reached the light it was banned from seeing on the night it was born.
And then the time slips from beneath its rocks and it starts waning till it fades anew!
Opinionated and Indulgent
U can never force a new moon to reflect the light it can't see...and when it sleeps away in the darkness of the universe...dare not wake what u can't see!
A garou or a wolf gang do not dare trust a tactless, careless ragabash wolf, which is a wolf born on new moon night...though they are seduced by its charms
I fear the subconscious
My Mind is always awake
High sense of smelling!
EARTH MOON SUN !
A new moon is feared because it stands between the earth and the sun...it holds back the light...It reflects the gloominess of a world the universe dare not approach.
A new moon holds a real face of a rocky surface...a surface that the world would only care to believe in except through the projected sun light...through a fake light!
Strange enough that I was always called Moon only by my dad...The one I was never close too...The one I resemble the most...Even in my lack of Nostalgia!
I was born on the 7th of a wolf moon (January) on a dark night (Ragabash)
I was the beginning of something, I dare not think how it may end!
Wishing u a howling 2010
© Moon 2009
Friday, 18 December 2009
Most people spend their lives searching for that special someone...I spent a great number of years searching for that special book lol!
I always read what's on the cover..care for the picture..check the first page..the edition..!
Two years ago, I took a book of the shelf of a book store and bought it without knowing neither the name of the book nor the name of the author!!!!
Typically NOT ME!
It wasn't like a blind date between me and the book but I was shocked when I came to read it at night and found out it was about a porn queen who wanted to make a top record for all generations with 600 guys in one porn movie!
The book is called Snuff!
The author, who became my tutor for life, is called Chuck Palahniuk!
ok..I know..pronounced Paulanick (for americans)...Palahnyook (for british)...If it's still hard, call him chuck!
Now Please, allow me to Palahniucate ur life for a while ;)
"All the effort in the world won’t matter if you’re not inspired."
— Chuck Palahniuk
Ever asked urself why U ended up resigning from the job that u fucked up ur life just for the sake of proving u can do ur best...U DID UR BEST IN WHAT'S NOT BEST FOR U
well that job didn't resemble u..it never conveyed what u truly are!
Why U broke up..that relationship was already as lousy as shit...his/her existence in ur life was never as passionately inspiring as eating a Kitkat bar!
keep telling urself I did my best!
"The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it’s only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles, wood rots. People, well, they die, but things as fragile as an idea or a thought, they can live forever "
— Chuck Palahniuk
U can go out with ur friends, talk with ur family, study and work all the same, but still what matters at the end is what happens between the walls of ur brain. What u write down in ur diary, what u think of behind ur bedroom's closed door!
What is ur conception of perfection...In real TV, u don't have a perfection manual, it's ur mind that sets the rules of perfection and believe me, it varies from one person to another!
After all, it's ur imagination that rules ur conceptions!
"I spent my life attacking everything because I was too afraid to risk creating anything."
— Chuck Palahniuk
When was the last time u took the risk of provoking a sleeping lion just to experience how would its reaction be?
when was the last time u thought u're incapable of creating or achieving anything because ur not free enough to do so?
when was the last time u blamed ur society or ur country for not giving u the chance of becoming a genius?
BELIEVE ME...u attack society because u're just scared to face it...u're scared to show how different u are!
"People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown."
— Chuck Palahniuk
We are the tragic heroes of our own history books...We all know, by a way or another, that tragic ends spice up our lives rather than silly happy endings...when it's always tragic, this means u're strong, u're enduring...u're sacrificing...U R A HERO!
When u're complicated...u're different...u're tragically superior...u will be acknowledged as the sacrificing hero after u die!
People will praise ur death on Facebook groups!
"You’re a different human being to everybody you meet."
— Chuck Palahniuk
Believe it or not, everyone who sees u for the first time will end up with a different point of view after a couple of meetings with u...and every new person who meets u conceives u as a different block of qualities!
U r only ONE person to urself...but a million different persons to all the others!
u r only You when u r with u!...the rest just magnify what concerns them in u and throw the rest in the bin.
"You grow up to become living proof of your parent’s limitations. Their less-than-masterpiece."
— Chuck Palahniuk
We are trained not to think, not to try anything new...and if we want to, we have to do it behind closed doors.
If u were born on a certain religion and u would like to read a holy book of another religion, u can't do it at home..ur parents would never understand!
U have to find somewhere else behind their backs to enlighten urself religiously (even if u're not planning to convert)
movies, magazines, phone calls...u prefer taking care of these thing in ur room..alone..away from their eyes!
Ur parents end up wanting u to become a youthful version of their decaying youth!
And u end up as complicated as a cat stuck in a water pipe!!!
"If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That’s the only lasting thing you can create."
— Chuck Palahniuk
Why do people always state how they feel in their notes..I mean why can't we just try to express our own view point of life instead of lamenting our dead cold suffocating passions!
Why don't we express our deepest opinions about every aspect in life...ok, what about inventing our own theories...helping each other to respect what we don't believe in!
Why can't we share the ATTITUDE!
It won't take half an hour to write down an idea that changed ur life..when u post it have faith it may change another life!..even if it was a line from a song!
"Some people are just born human. The rest of us, we take a lifetime to get there."
— Chuck Palahniuk
Do not think it's an easy thing being a human being...we've been granted things to use:
If u couldn't use ur brain to create what would last after u're gone then tuck ur head in ur dirty socks and cry urself to death in ur closet!
if u couldn't use ur hands to paint or write or invent something...then chain ur hands in ur ceiling lamp and wait till the heat eat ur brain!
if u couldn't work ur legs to new places that helped u explore God's universe then lay as a tarot's hanged man in ur fridge until u rot!
if u think u're not capable of proving how humane u r..then go to hell!
"Not everybody enjoys baseball or even fishing, but every person is obsessed with himself. You are your own favorite hobby. You’re an expert on you."
— Chuck Palahniuk
U r a liar if u say u're not!
We are all obsessed about what we wear, how we look, what we think about, how to prove that we are better, how to kidnap the attention when we step in a room, how to prove we're beautiful, or complicated, or lunatics, how careless we are, how dashing, how daring, how sensitive, how loving, how cute or sexy, veiled or showing our hair, lipsticks or no lipsticks, muscles or sense of humour, looks or brains!
We are our own Angels and Demons!
"You will always have some excuse not to live your life."
— Chuck Palahniuk
My parents..controlling every breath I take
My society..blocking my freedom of thought
My country..is not giving me the chance to become the genius I was meant to be
The patriarchal mentality is not appreciating my freedom as a woman
The patriarchal mentality is not showing its capability towards my needs as a woman
The matriarchal mentality is so silly and stubborn towards my authority as a man
The school is not fun..it's not like Europe
The collage is lousy, we're not educated like Europe
The working field is crappy as shit..They fuck the shit out of me and am not paid well
I can't find a job that suits me
I don't have time to socialise, am always working
I can't find a job, am always sitting at home or in cafes
I want to get married but I can't find someone who understands me
I don't want to get married because i don't want to lose my freedom
I want a relationship but I fear commitment
I want a divorce
I want kids
I don't want kids
"Find good in what the world says is evil."
— Chuck Palahniuk
Try for once when u watch a movie, to concentrate on the villain instead of the hero. Try to focus on the other one, the bad not the good, the monster of Frankenstein!
Try to see what made Hannibal Lectar Hannibal Lectar!
Try to pay attention to ur demon...check his point of view...not all demons tell us to smoke or drink or steal..some push us toward sadistic turn overs we never thought we have!
People may condemn Hitler for his racism but I have to praise his nationalism..I would love to love my Country the way he loved his country!
I may cheer for Churchill for saying "never never never give up"
Dare to touch the untouchable!
Thank u Chuck, for u have taught me what made me who I am right now!
....and u're still teaching me!
I will always be a faithful Palahniuaholic until death do us apart!
Chuck Palahniuk is the author of:
12.Stranger than fiction
© Moon 2009
Friday, 4 December 2009
Do u know I never watch religious channels
I close my windows every Friday noon because of the Religious hierarchy shouting their throats out in the mosque in my street
I can't bear hearing the call for prayer because of their lousy voices
Did not My Prophet (PBUH) give the honour of calling for prayer to Belal because of his angelic voice!
Doesn't this ring any bell????????
I don't pray often because of people urging me to pray...as if I am praying for them!
That sometimes I get the feeling of holding the mic of any mosque send a universal message saying:
"One way or another, the whole nation knows already about the importance of praying...about tight jeans and extreme make up issues...about the Algerian fuss and the burning of our flag...about adultery and prostitution spreading like a plague...about the national deterioration we are all suffering from!
You will not exorcise those demons by shouting...so please lower ur voices...I am not deaf!"
But I never leave home at those times...and I never take the mic!
Lately, I became scared to meditate...I fear those 10 silent minutes with God!
I know He'll hear me...and I'll be sorry for doing stupid stuff and following lots of shit...but no...NO!
I WILL NOT MEDITATE
I WILL NOT SAY SORRY
BECAUSE I AM NOT!
If I'm going to start a new chapter with God..then I have to have a base..and this base is MY base and not the whole Islamic nation's base...not even the Christio-Islamic base...and definitely, not the Jewi-Christio-Islamic One!
First I have to lay it down plain, simple and honest!
I would like to thank You for coping with my lousy attitude for quite a long time.
I would like to thank You for making me who I am, with all the good, the bad and the intermediate (though I know myself as an extremist) crap I have in my head and my heart!
My Lord, I would like to submit my wish list for 2010...ok, here we go:
1. I want the people who call for prayer to shut up and be replaced by others who were granted a much more inspiring voice.
2. I want them to stop shouting in the mosques whenever they are granted the opportunity.
3. I want them to stop gathering 10000000000 Muslim and 10000000000 christian separately in facebook groups to see which religion wins the most votes around the world.
4. I want them to stop focusing on all the verses that call for heaven and hell, the do and the don't ones, the veil and the neqab, the devil and the afterlife!
And to concentrate more on inspiring people how to live together in harmony, peace, love and brotherhood!
5. I want them to focus on how God is good, not on how his punishment is inescapable!
6. I want them to talk to me about how angels guard me, not how they write down my sins!
7. I want them to replace their saying of "Fear God, He's watching u" by "Love God, He's guarding u"
8. I want them to tell me that You take me as I am, You wait for me and on me, and You sleep not just to protect me!
To tell me for once Your Holy Verse:واصبر لحكم ربك فإنك بأعيننا
9. May be I just do not want to think of Your frowning face if I sinned...and prefer to imagine Your laughter when I blow You a kiss in the air!
10. Last but not least, I would like You to know that I will always be Your Bohemian Little Girl :)
I love You Dear Lord,
Your Little Moon
4th December 2009
© Moon 2009
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
I keep some pet demons around my head, and I must admit not all of them are high class Lucifers. some of which are pretty much a bourgois hypocrites and the rest are merely hazards of lustful licentious devils.
I may allow you to consider me the Siren of such bunch :)
Not quite similar to Queen of Sheba, but the majestic creme dela creme of the hierarchy!
Angels exist, but I prefer not to speak about them, they always stick to the same old regulations..u know!
Pretty angelic, pretty simple, pretty nice, pretty sweet, pretty kind, pretty wise...and all the pretty pious etcs u may think of!
Angels are angels..angels do not risk
Angels are, to ALL extent, obedient!
OK! Let's go back to hell!
My demons are intellectual. they read books. they listen to french music. they drink coffee. they write notes!...they fall in love with serpents and they light candles at night!
I don't keep a huge fire place as hell...that's the afterlife version...excuse me, I am not dead yet!!
My hell is a mental asylum that the mind dare not approach. it's an imaginary place that stings u like a scorpion and sucks ur blood like a leech. it stands there in the middle of ur mind, tangling the veins of ur brain, tempting u with its gates, glittering with ideas u never thought existed.
Let's pretend u're strong enough to step closer and unlock the gates with an idea like "I am different"...(that's an example, u don't have to believe urself)
u will be welcomed and shown the way of Hell Library with great yet feverish hospitality. when u reach the Book House safely, u will be left alone with some of my diabolic archfiends who will show u around every book in the reading sanctuary.
Bram Stoker will give way to George Orwell, then Kafka will steal the show. Shelly and her Monster will introduce Bronte who will wink to Poe to get u ready for the fun, and after that the russian gang will break through ur arteries like a typhoon. Believe me, u won't like to get trapped in a chapter of a Dostoevsky ,a Gogol, a Bulgakov or a Nabokov book. they work on ur adrenaline, u lose breath. Dictionaries won't help here!
Forgot to tell u, no romantic books are allowed there, wise up honey, they don't make love in hell!
when u're done with literature...u will be offered a coffee break with Hitler and my Communist boys, until the Fascists are done from the loo...
after whipping the skin of ur brain and boiling ur good intentions in the Holocaust of their fuming revolutions, u will go back in time to forget ur misery with my greek wizards!
those guys are pretty hilarious...lots of gods fighting together, a godness coming out of her papa's head, another kid marrying his mum and of course they'll give u a souvenir of a wooden horse to ornament ur bedroom, if u were able to go back to ur bedroom at the end :)
at that time u will suffer severe constipation..u'll need the loo..don't be embarrassed this is human nature!
Palahniuk, McEwan, Hemple, Suzack and Thomas Harris will brain wash u and hang u to dry over the toilet windows...Modern Laundry Service!
Sir Belzebub, one of my chief devils, will be honoured to take u up one level where u are going to face ur first quest and meet ur parents!
I know, now u're different!
SHUT UP..U follow ur own head (which is by now full of crappish nightmares) and u don't know what's best for u and by the way...U NEVER LISTEN! (they've got a point, I mean imagine urself talking to them about 44 year old Humbert who fell in love with 12 year old Lolita in a book of russian Nabokov sort of thing and believe me they'll think u're a pervert!)
Tell them Masochism leads logically to Sadism and they'll believe u're a crazy sexaholic (religiously moving in the road of adultry)who needs a psychiatrist, a shiekh and a priest to bring u back on the tack of God!
Tell them Socialism is the transitional phase between Capitalism and Communism and they'll staple ur lips together for fear of getting politically jailed for life!
Mephestophilis, One of my closest demons, he was there when Faustus sold his soul to Lucifer, will help u rise up another level to face....
If u out lived the quest of society..I will be more than glad to receive u in my very own personal private chamber where I will purify ur Sullen soul, which by now will be as sullen as a rotten egg, to meet My dearest protector,(I always leave the best to the last..and I thought u were starting to think that angels do not exist anymore!),....
© Moon 2009
Sunday, 29 November 2009
You may die young
you may die old
you may commit suicide
stick a needle in your eyes
nail urself to a wall and cry urself to death
go to hell, I don't care
just leave me a dusty note book, a diary or even a worn out piece of cloth with some words written on...confess me ur deepest secrets...I don't care about ur sins
tell me which dream kept creeping around ur head
which sound never left ur ears
how a purple colour was born out of a brush dipped in red and blue
hit me in the face..shock me!
I'm the universe...the sky and the sea...do u think one day u will leave me...I'll hug u till I crack ur bones...leave me a couple of words I burn on my skin...write one more chapter that will convince me u outlived me!
Don't burn my forests...Just curve ur words on my trees!
Never think u'll run away...u'll turn to dust and what is dust anyway...is not dust my ground...are not the worms my worms...is it not my embrace that will coffin ur soul at the end!
Did u not share my days!
Did u not drink my coffee!
Did u not travel my lands!
Did I not shelter ur infidelities!
Did I not cover ur defects!
Did I not believe ur lies!
Convince me u haven't loved and lost!
tell me u like everything u see and u never want to change a bit!
Was it not one of my sons who said, "be the change u want to see in the world"
Did I not embrace him in my womb when he left?
But wait a minute, when did Ghandi leave?
yeah come on google it :)
Believe me, I know u better, u're lazy enough to google it!
lazy to leave something that would remind me u existed...lazy to give birth to some words that would carry ur name forever!
Let me shock u for once in ur life, u shall live and destroy my nature and then u shall make love with my worms and after u, ur sons will infamously damage my pride as once their parent did and they too shall be raped by my worms!
Ur name will vanish if u dared not keep it alive with a word or a brush, with a tune or song, with something more than being a doctor or an engineer!
Son of Adam, RISK and u shall outlive me forever!
"The Cancer I don't have is everywhere now"
"I am the beginning and the end of my own history book"
This note is not written for the emotionally frustrated people, it's actually written to the freaks who inhabit this planet!
So, if u think urself free from all the poisonous disorders that haunt the psyche of the human race, please get a piece of paper and note down every single weird thing that u think of or do in the dark and YOUTUBE IT!
don't worry there are lots of people like u and me!
We are the everyday cases..the ones u see in Oprah!..the ones who attend support groups..the sane and the insane!
We are the ones who cut themselves to feel the pain..to see the blood..the ones who long to be beaten to feel the pleasure of the pain!
The ones who feel the ravishing anguish of the ubnormal!
The morning army of God and the evening street brats!
We are the masochistic children of fate!
U secretly long for a relationship..but u just can't lay down ur defenses and approve of any relationship at the same time..because u feel that it's so normal..the passion is not tempting..the mentality is not haunting...the sexuality is not banging!
And u can't tell ur parents..They'll think u're a freak!!!!
We are the egocentrics that lack self-confidence!
We paint our narcissism with a bloody crimson brush on the walls of destiny, while secretly we don't believe in ourselves!
We lack the courage to stand up and say:
I pull my hair
I pick my skin
I watch porn
I cut myself
I eat and throw up
I repress my desires
Those are not my thoughts..those are the echoes of a sick world!
I've been pulling my hair for 14 years and I dared not speak..But I am not alone..I pulled my hair with the same hand I wrote and painted with!
We destroy ourselves with the same means we use to create!
Invention comes from the womb of disillusion!
I thought the WORLD must speak NOW!
We are more than just the hair on our heads..than the skin we pick..than the porn we watch..than the self-confidence we lost facing the UNIVERSE!
It is all about [appearance verses reality], Why are we so ashamed to say that we are the monsters of Frankenstein, Nabokov's Lolita, Kafka's Joseph K!
Why are we scared to say that we are the outsiders who dare to live behind closed doors!
We all suffer disorders, we never dare to mention. We are the victims and the seducers at the same time.
We call ourselves perfectionist and we really are!
Part of our perfection is that we must lack something..we must be traumatised by a certain disorder that keeps our minds active trying to solve our invisible universal cancer!..else we're complete..we'll need nothing..we'll reach nothing..then..WE'RE USELESS...WE'RE IMPERFECT!
Being complete does not mean we are perfect!
"Les cris de la terre" or the cries of the earth are mostly heard at night..when we torment..lament..suffer..ravish our souls and disseminate our traumatic larvas to impregnate Mother Nature with more deformed legends!
HAIL THE DEFORMED PERFECTIONISTS!
This note was written by a Trichotillomaniac who suffered from pulling her hair for 14 years (since she was 9 years of age, when Egypt didn't know anything about such a disorder and still doesn't!) and was recently cured and became a PULL-FREE by reading and diagnosing her case for 7 successful years through the Internet!
It was written by Me,
20 November 2009